October Newsletter

One of the difficult findings about teens and faith in recent years is that a majority of teens who graduate from high school do not attend church the following year. There are several reasons for this, and youth ministry experts are searching for answers to change this downhill trend. However, Richard Ross of Southwestern Baptist Seminary has come up with a very positive insight from a study he did on teens and spirituality. Ross says teens are three times more apt to stay in church after they graduate from high school if there are healthy faith conversations within the home on a regular basis. Faith conversations are discussions and study about God and the Christian life in what feels like a spontaneous conversation. Parents can use media, the news, and discussion around the dinner table to bring up issues that pertain to faith. Faith conversations can also take place in a more formal "family time" setting on a weekly or regular basis.

Cathy and I found with our own kids that they did better when it was a short, non-lecture format. We have found that the families that seem to do best keep these times fairly light and bring in another aspect of family fun time, whether it's fun food or a Wii bowling contest after the devotional time. The best faith conversations come when the kids see their parents as fellow learners, as opposed to the teacher-to-student role.

And don't feel pressure to come up with ideas for your family's faith conversations. There are plenty of good resources out there to use and adapt. If you feel a bit lost, just ask your youth worker for ideas. The practical side of developing faith conversations at home is you can integrate a greater desire to study God's Word together, search practical topics from a biblical worldview, and spend time in prayer together.

After several decades of excellent research and study, we can now see that there are very positive outcomes with young people who have a positive spiritual experience in their teen years. When young people have a healthy spiritual life, they make better decisions about their friendships, school, sexuality, and obedience to authority, and they tend to experience much fewer at-risk behaviors. For this reason, do what you can to engage your kids on a spiritual level and stay engaged through even the later teen years.

When you think of today's teens you might assume that they all belong to the Millennial generation. But while Millennials will continue to influence culture for decades to come, if you are now raising teens, it's likely that they belong to Generation Z, a new and emerging generation of teenagers.

Even though research into Gen Z is in its infancy, two things are consistently agreed upon by students of culture: 1) Gen Z teens are now on the scene, and 2) they, like all previous generations, will carve out their own unique characteristics and have their own distinctive values, attitudes and behaviors.

Researchers have started turning the lens of examination on Gen Z. One recent study by Northeastern University compiled information obtained from surveys of over 1,000 teens 16-19, and this study may be one of the first to attempt to build our understanding of this new generation.

Here are some characteristics of today's teens that were obtained through the study:

- Today's teens are concerned about the costs of going to college and the debt that is often part of the college experience.

- Two in three fear they might not be able to find a job after college.

- Four in ten expect to be self-employed during their adult career.

- More than half believe that anyone should have a right to become a U.S. citizen no matter how they enter the country.

- Half receive their news online. Only two in ten get news from watching television.

- While technology is simply a part of everyday life for teens, two in three (69%) prefer to interact with friends in-person over interacting online, with only 15% preferring online.

- 70% would not use electronic methods (online, phones, texting, etc.) to ask someone out on a date.

Questions for Parents:

1. If your teen is planning on attending college, how can you help prepare her/him to deal with the financial aspects?

2. If your teen expresses concern about accumulating significant debt to attend college, how can you help her/him think through alternatives to amassing debt?

3. How does your teen view today's significant social issues like immigration?

4. What points of tension might you experience with your teen based on their views of these social issues?

5. Does your teen prefer to connect with friends online or in-person? Why?

6. How can you encourage your teen toward more in-person interaction with their friends?

7. How can you influence your teen toward better integration between life issues and their faith?

When I first began mountain biking, I quickly found it was not like the type of bike riding I did when I was a kid. It's not "jump on the bike and ride all day." It's much different! There are so many moving parts like front and back sprockets, brake levers, and multiple shifting systems. Add to this the extreme terrain, and it gets very confusing.

Today, I own most of the gear that is "required" for the sport. Basically, I have everything needed except for...the needed skills and the personal coaching.

On a recent ride I began to think about how little I know about this sport. I really need a coach/mentor. I have so many technical questions. I'm not always sure when is the best time to shift on different slopes. I have front shocks that need to be adjusted based on the terrain and I don't have the slightest idea what to do. My list of "how to" questions could fill pages.

As I was riding and thinking about my need for a mountain bike coach/mentor, I began to think about the teenagers in our homes and the process of faith development. What are we doing with all their questions about following Christ? Do we even know the questions they're asking (or not asking)? Or, do we assume they'll catch everything about Jesus as they begin their "ride with him"?

Much like I need a riding coach, teenagers need a "Jesus coach." While mountain biking is much more complex than "jump on a bike"...so following Jesus is much more complex than a simple "go to church."

Could it be that we, as parents, have become good at getting kids involved at church...but we're not so good at coaching them on how to walk with Jesus? I fear that if they don't know how to walk with Jesus, when they graduate from high school and go on to college and their adult lives, they will also graduate away from church and perhaps even Jesus.

Some questions: (1) Do your kids know that you want to coach them in the ways of Jesus? (2) Do they know they can ask simple questions and have a confidence that you will care enough not to laugh at their questions? (3) Do they know that in you, they have someone to "ride with" even though they struggle and occasionally fall?

Jesus spent most of his time with the few, pouring into their lives. I'd like to suggest that your "few" are living within the walls of your home. They don't need to be told to "go to church," they need you: a coaching, listening, loving, and caring you.

No one likes to be nagged. Yet many parents resort to nagging as a primary---though negative---way to communicate their feelings and desires with family members. Positive communication is vital for maintaining a healthy family. Successful families talk and listen. Good communication takes work, but if you employ some of the following tips, you'll be on the road to improving your communication skills and the health of your family.

- Actively listen. Listening is the language of love. Listening communicates value, significance, and worth. Good listening skills include:
- giving your undivided attention
- looking beyond the content of the words by taking notice of tone and body language
- maintaining an accepting and open attitude
- using good questions to help clarify your understanding
- Watch your tone and body language when you speak. Do your best to make sure the message you send is the message you intend.
- Avoid the "silent treatment." Silence can wreak havoc on communication and relationships. If you need to process before your respond verbally, always communicate the purpose of your silence. For example, one might say, "I need some time to consider how to respond. Let's talk about this after dinner."
- Be aware when emotions are running high. Sometimes a cooling-off period is required in order for good communication to occur.
- Express how you feel. Sharing your feelings is important in effective communication.
- Break the no-talk rule before it breaks your family. Healthy families talk on a regular basis. It is true: both parents and kids experience times where they don't want to talk. But make these times the exception, not the rule. Proactively create a habit of conversation in your home.
- In discussions, learn to ask open-ended questions. These are questions that cannot be answered with a simple "yes" or "no."
- Avoid discussion-killers. Examples of these include put-downs, yelling, interrupting, talking-over your teen, and making her or him feel dumb about their questions or comments.
- In communicating, provide affirmation whenever possible. Everyone needs affirmation! Regular use of statements like, "Great idea," "That's so clever," "I would have never figured that out," "Way to go," "Good job," "That's a great point," will cause your family to grow and thrive.
- Communicate with love. Loving words and loving deeds are certain ways to communicate value to your teen.