Fall'16 PYM Parent Connection

As a parenting author, I've seen hundreds of parenting books and read countless articles. Often, they are echoing the same principles. I'm not knocking it... I've written numerous articles about the biggies that parents often neglect, like spending more time with your kids. But here are 3 tips you don't typically hear:

1. Wanna be a good dad? Then be a good husband first.

Want your kids to feel safe, loved and valued? Then work on your marriage. We're seeing more research emerging about one of the best predictors of cognitive success being emotional stability of the home environment. Bioengineering expert Dr. John Medina said it like this, "Do you want to know how to get your kid into Harvard? Go home and love your wife."

It's this simple. When our kids are young, they are searching for clues in their home to see if they are safe. "Children look to their parents and the relationship they have with each other to assess whether that's true or not," Medina says.

2. No Rules by 17 1/2

Most people would agree toddlers need a lot of guidance. If your 2-year-old starts heading for the road when a semi-truck is coming... not many dads would say, "Leave him be. He'll learn!" At the opposite end of the spectrum, everyone knows when our teens turn 18, they can legally move out and do whatever they want. The tricky part for parents is that time in between. How much guidance and control do we assert, especially in those teenage years?

The answer is "a segue." Start with heavy guidance and slowly segue towards less control, with a goal of "no rules by 17 1/2." Sure, you could wait until 18... but why? Why not have them totally free while still under the safety of your shadow?

I tried this principle with my oldest daughter, starting with realistic guardrails, then giving more trust over the years, and eventually parenting our 17-year-old like an 18-year-old. She is 18-years-old and on her own now... and it's really no big deal. She's been making decisions for a while now.

3. Real Life Reality Shows

Parents are always looking for teaching moments. When real life hardships appear, don't be scared to talk about what you experienced. If your sister is getting a divorce, ask your teenagers what they think. What can they learn from the situation?

Real life isn't always a huge crisis. Yesterday I was driving down the road and came upon a lady trying to back her boat into a driveway... and it became quickly and painfully obvious she didn't know how to back a trailer. Cars began lining up and honking. I pulled over, walked over to her with a smile and asked, "Would you like some help?" She happily got out of the car and let me take a crack at it. Moments like these are fun to dialogue about with your kids. Don't lecture, just ask questions: "Why do you think people were so upset with her?" "How should people respond when they see someone struggling like that?" "What are ways we can show love to people in stressful situations?" "How could you help someone in need?"

Look for these real life discussion moments, or even watch entertainment together that springboards discussion about real life.

When you think of today's teens you might assume that they all belong to the Millennial generation. But while Millennials will continue to influence culture for decades to come, if you are now raising teens, it's likely that they belong to Generation Z, a new and emerging generation of teenagers.

Even though research into Gen Z is in its infancy, two things are consistently agreed upon by students of culture: 1) Gen Z teens are now on the scene, and 2) they, like all previous generations, will carve out their own unique characteristics and have their own distinctive values, attitudes and behaviors.

Researchers have started turning the lens of examination on Gen Z. One recent study by Northeastern University compiled information obtained from surveys of over 1,000 teens 16-19, and this study may be one of the first to attempt to build our understanding of this new generation.

Here are some characteristics of today's teens that were obtained through the study:

- Today's teens are concerned about the costs of going to college and the debt that is often part of the college experience.

- Two in three fear they might not be able to find a job after college.

- Four in ten expect to be self-employed during their adult career.

- More than half believe that anyone should have a right to become a U.S. citizen no matter how they enter the country.

- Half receive their news online. Only two in ten get news from watching television.

- While technology is simply a part of everyday life for teens, two in three (69%) prefer to interact with friends in-person over interacting online, with only 15% preferring online.

- 70% would not use electronic methods (online, phones, texting, etc.) to ask someone out on a date.

Questions for Parents:

1. If your teen is planning on attending college, how can you help prepare her/him to deal with the financial aspects?

2. If your teen expresses concern about accumulating significant debt to attend college, how can you help her/him think through alternatives to amassing debt?

3. How does your teen view today's significant social issues like immigration?

4. What points of tension might you experience with your teen based on their views of these social issues?

5. Does your teen prefer to connect with friends online or in-person? Why?

6. How can you encourage your teen toward more in-person interaction with their friends?

7. How can you influence your teen toward better integration between life issues and their faith?

The answer to the question, Is your kid’s youth group too serious or too fun? is quite simply, It depends on who you ask. It’s not uncommon for parents in the same church to hold opposite perceptions of the youth group environment. Here are two takes from different parents in the same church and about the same youth group:

Parent 1: Why can’t our youth ministry provide more entertainment to our kids to maintain their interest? My kids would rather stay at home and play video games than go to youth group and study the Bible.

Parent 2: There is so much entertainment and socializing in our youth group. Why can’t they just focus on the important work of teaching my kids more about God?

These very different parent perspectives provide a source of tension that most youth workers live with every day, but in a variety of youth ministry-related areas. Take a moment to experience the tension by imagining that you are the youth pastor or youth leader and both of these “concerns” have come from parents who have kids in your youth ministry. How would you respond?

Most youth workers understand that it’s very difficult for youth ministry programming to compete on the same level with the excitement and stimulation that today’s culture offers our kids. Depending on church budgets and youth ministry staff creativity, most youth ministries do the best they can do to create an inviting environment for students. And good youth ministries do offer unique and important components that students can’t find elsewhere, like opportunities for spiritual growth in large and small group settings, Christian-based service and mission, and Christ-centered community.

It was Jim Rayburn, the founder of Young Life, who once rightly said, “It’s a sin to bore a kid with the Gospel.” Keeping things interesting and fun have always been valuable components of good youth ministry, and many do a great job as they strive to blend fun with spiritual substance. The goal is to achieve a healthy balance of both components. Youth workers everywhere wrestle continually to maintain the appropriate mix which is unique to every church and student population.

If you have concerns that your youth ministry isn’t addressing the tension adequately; if you find it too entertaining, not entertaining enough, too heavy spiritually, or too light spiritually, don’t complain to other parents or members of the pastoral staff. Instead, talk to your youth pastor or leader directly about your concern. But never forget that you are partners on the same team, and raise your concern in a loving and caring way. And don’t forget there are likely other parents in your church who see the same issue very differently than you.