MSM - MAY 2019

"I thought I told you to clean your room."
"You did tell me that, and here's why I didn't..."

How many of you are already taking off your belt to teach this kid a thing or two? At first glance, this kind of talk from your kids might seem disrespectful, or as some of us call it, "backtalk." But what if I told you, allowing this kind of talk can not only open doors for healthy conversations, but it can help your kids learn to say 'no' to drugs or alcohol.

Don't worry, I'm not advocating letting our kids disrespect their parents. I'm advocating allowing our kids to respectfully speak their minds. Kids who can calm and confidently disagree with their parents are actually 40 percent more likely to say 'no' to drugs or alcohol than kids who didn't argue.

Sound crazy? The study was done by the University of Virginia and they published their findings in the journal, Child Development. Dr. Joseph P. Allen studied 157 13-year-olds, opening conversations about conflict in the home and noting which parents actually wanted to talk with their kids about disagreements. The parents who allowed their kids to dialogue with them gave their kids practice handling disagreements.

When Allen interviewed the teens again at ages 15 and 16, he found "The teens who learned to be calm and confident and persuasive with their parents acted the same way when they were with their peers." In fact, they were 40 percent more likely to say 'no' when offered alcohol or drugs than kids who didn't argue with their parents.

One of the biggest complaints I hear from teenagers is that their parents don't listen.

"I thought I told you to clean your room."
"You did tell me that, and here's why I didn't do it yet. You also told me to feed the dog and finish studying for my SAT test. Molly looked hungry, so I fed her first. Then I went straight to studying because I figured that was the most important. When I finish studying in about 15 minutes, I'll get straight to cleaning my room. Is that okay?

Let's be realistic. This probably doesn't happen too often. Usually our kids come up with a lame excuse that has something to do with their phone and the need to talk with a friend. The temptation to overreact is strong here, and sometimes we probably convince ourselves that yelling just works better, but wouldn't it be better to keep the channels of communication open? Besides, when we give our kids the gift of letting them be heard, we can do one better than just getting them to clean their room... we can teach them to articulate themselves and stand up for what they believe.

Who would have guessed that effective arguing with mom and dad provided kids with the experience needed to resist negative peer pressure. That probably makes a lot of us think twice about simply responding, "Just shut up and clean your room!"

For better or worse, media has a powerful influence in our kids' lives! Today's media sends nonstop communication, delivering its voice through television, movies, Internet, music, magazines, books, computers, smartphones, tablets, and more. Frankly, it is impossible for parents to have control over every message that is being sent to our kids.

Because parents can't control all of their kids' media consumption, some feel lost, hopeless, or paralyzed when facing today's technology and media. We may complain, but it is time for us to quit whining, and do something. Don't give up. Don't bail out. There are things we can do and environments we can foster to create a media-safe home.

Watch, Listen, and Read. Creating a media-safe home requires that you become a student of the culture. The easiest way to get a handle on what media your kids are consuming is to watch what they watch, listen to what they listen to, and read what they read. Look for every opportunity to ask and learn from your kids.

Evaluate. Evaluate everything you see and hear with your kids. When you evaluate, don't just play the bad-guy role. At times, this will likely be necessary, but also tell your kids what you like and why, and help them learn to discern what they are putting into their minds.

Examine Your Own Behavior. Too many parents want their kids to make good media choices but aren't willing to discipline themselves. Remember the old adage: Children see, children do. Set the example you want your kids to follow.

Discuss and Listen; Don't Lecture. Anytime we can truly dialog with our kids about media use and influence, it is better than any lecture or sermon we could ever deliver to them. Ultimately, you may choose to disagree with your kids' opinions but they will at least feel you were willing to listen.

Develop Clear Expectations. Work together with your teens to come up with clearly expressed expectations about media consumption and use of the devices that deliver media. As technology changes rapidly, you'll need to revisit the expectations from time to time to keep them relevant and current.