February Parent Newsletter

Many parents look for the latest parenting fad to help their kids grow into mature adults. Yet one key component for building kids' lives is right in front of them: investing time, energy, and a commitment to "be there" for their kids. A regular, one-on-one 'date night' with each of your teenagers is a great place to begin intentionally investing in the overall health and growth of your child.

 

Here are five tips for having a great 'date night' with your kids:

1) Choose to do something your kids want to do. Sometimes, when parents want to do something together with their kids, they'll select an activity that they have interest in, but their kids do not. If you really want to create a positive "date night" culture where your kids want to hang out with you, try doing things that the kids are interested in. And remember, "date nights" don't have to be complicated! They can be as simple as taking your child out to get an ice cream cone or throwing a Frisbee around in the yard.

2) Communicate. Be sure to engage your son or daughter in conversation during your "date night." Don't start by talking about your "list" of concerns you have about your child. Instead, talk about anything and everything. Ask your kids about their interests, opinions, and feelings.

3) Listen. Don't dominate "date night" conversation. Communication is a two way street, so be sure to work at listening. Listening is the language of love. Through listening, you demonstrate that you value your kids. When you take the time to really pay attention, show empathy, and listen---you are taking a key step in connecting with your kids. When kids know that their parents will really listen (instead of immediately "correcting") they will be more willing to talk.

4) Display affection. Even though teenagers are in the process of becoming adults and separating from their parents, they still need your affection. In fact, sexual promiscuity in teenage girls can often be traced back to a desire for (and lack of) affection from their fathers. Dads, be sure to offer your kids genuine affection through loving words, affirmation, encouragement, small gifts, and appropriate touch.

5) Never embarrass your kids in front of their peers. A "date night" activity might take you onto your son or daughter's "territory" -- to a place where they may run into some of their peers. Gentle teasing is one thing, but embarrassing your kids in front of their peers can destroy all of the connection you are working to build with your teen. Show respect to your kids and they'll be more willing to hang out with you---and your "date nights" will be much more enjoyable as well.

Some parents find it tough to express their emotions to family members. But finding a way to communicate love is vitally important to the health and growth of each family member. Saying "I love you" is one of the most important gifts you can give to your children. I encourage you to say it often! While expressing your emotions verbally is needed, it is important to realize that there are other ways to communicate your love that are just as important.

In Gary Chapman's book, The Five Love Languages, he explains that everyone has emotional "tanks." According to Chapman, we help keep others' tanks full by using five "love languages" that he has identified. He says that most of us have a "primary" love language, although all of them can be important for healthy relationships. If you want to succeed at showing your love to your kids, identify their primary love language(s) and then do your best to communicate using those languages.

Here is a brief look at the five ways to express your love to your kids:

1. Words of affirmation. Criticism, if overdone, can create devastating consequences in adult life. Determine to praise your child right for every good thing you see him or her doing. A minimum of two compliments a day is a good goal.

2. Quality time. Get down to your child's level. Discover his or her interests and learn as much about him or her as possible. Be totally present, giving your child undivided attention. Give your child at least a few minutes of quality time. Make it a priority.

3. Receiving gifts. Gifts, if overdone, can become meaningless and teach a child a materialistic set of values. But periodic gifts, thoughtfully chosen and given with affirming statements such as, "I love you, so I got a special gift for you," can help meet a child's need for love.

4. Acts of service. The next time you perform an especially meaningful act of service for your child, make sure that you say it means you love him or her. Pick a task that is not especially appealing to you but that is very important to your child.

5. Physical touch. Hugging, kissing, and appropriate touching are very important for a child's emotional tank. Consider the age and temperament of your child and determine a unique approach in this area. When your child gets older, you will need to be sensitive, but you should still maintain a regular habit of touching for affirmation.