May Parent Newsletter

When I first began mountain biking, I quickly found it was not like the type of bike riding I did when I was a kid. It's not "jump on the bike and ride all day." It's much different! There are so many moving parts like front and back sprockets, brake levers, and multiple shifting systems. Add to this the extreme terrain, and it gets very confusing.

Today, I own most of the gear that is "required" for the sport. Basically, I have everything needed except for...the needed skills and the personal coaching.

On a recent ride I began to think about how little I know about this sport. I really need a coach/mentor. I have so many technical questions. I'm not always sure when is the best time to shift on different slopes. I have front shocks that need to be adjusted based on the terrain and I don't have the slightest idea what to do. My list of "how to" questions could fill pages.

As I was riding and thinking about my need for a mountain bike coach/mentor, I began to think about the teenagers in our homes and the process of faith development. What are we doing with all their questions about following Christ? Do we even know the questions they're asking (or not asking)? Or, do we assume they'll catch everything about Jesus as they begin their "ride with him"?

Much like I need a riding coach, teenagers need a "Jesus coach." While mountain biking is much more complex than "jump on a bike"...so following Jesus is much more complex than a simple "go to church."

Could it be that we, as parents, have become good at getting kids involved at church...but we're not so good at coaching them on how to walk with Jesus? I fear that if they don't know how to walk with Jesus, when they graduate from high school and go on to college and their adult lives, they will also graduate away from church and perhaps even Jesus.

 

Some questions: (1) Do your kids know that you want to coach them in the ways of Jesus? (2) Do they know they can ask simple questions and have a confidence that you will care enough not to laugh at their questions? (3) Do they know that in you, they have someone to "ride with" even though they struggle and occasionally fall?

Jesus spent most of his time with the few, pouring into their lives. I'd like to suggest that your "few" are living within the walls of your home. They don't need to be told to "go to church," they need you: a coaching, listening, loving, and caring you.

As I've interacted with hundreds of parents over the years, I've come to the conclusion that if you are having trouble communicating with your teen, you are in the vast majority. Here are my five best tips for how to improve:

1. Make mealtime family time. A large amount of research has shown that teenagers who dine regularly at home with their families are more satisfied with life. They are better students, less likely to be sexually promiscuous, and tend to be less involved with drug and alcohol abuse. Families that dine together regularly are more connected to one another. Why? It's all about the communication that happens around the dinner table. Hectic schedules make dining together difficult, but the rewards are worth the effort.

2. Make bedtime communication time. I found that one of the best times to have good communication with my teens was their bedtime. This was a carryover from their younger years when we tucked them into bed and said a prayer. At bedtime I found them more in tune with talking about their day, their problems or whatever was on their mind. The relaxed atmosphere seems to work well for good communication. This is not a good time, however, for tougher conversations.

3. Have parent-child dates or hangout times. By the time kids are teenagers, they are very focused on their friends and peers. They are establishing their identities apart from Mom and Dad, but most are willing to do something fun with their parents; they still like to eat or shop. My habit was to have a monthly date with each of my children. Times like these create a relaxed atmosphere where communication comes easier.

4. Walk around the block. My good friend John Townsend, author and speaker extraordinaire, regularly took his sons on a walk around the block. At first they would complain, he said, but about the second time around the block "the floodgates of communication would open." Do whatever it takes to keep the communication lines open with your kids.

5. Listen more, talk less. Parents can find it challenging to really listen to their kids. It often seems easier to lecture and scold, but listening produces better results. Sometimes kids just want to talk and they aren't really looking for a parent's opinion or another lecture. When you feel you need to weigh in on a topic, it helps if you ask for your teen's permission to share your opinion. This gives them a feeling that you really care for and respect them. Remember, some of the best communication comes through listening. Listening is the language of love.