RSM August Parent Newsletter

Written by Tony Bianco

Summer is coming which means families’ schedules and activities look very different with camps, vacations, and more free time. During the school year, parents set expectations for students regarding screen time, and summer is no different. With the upcoming change closing in, we want to give you seven ways your family can manage screen time this summer.

1. DON’T TREAT IT LIKE THE SCHOOL YEAR.

If you want to be successful this summer with your student, go in acknowledging the difference in schedules. Even if the days are jam-packed with activities assume your student will have full days at home.

Set expectations with them whether you are home or not. Yes, this may mean more screen time than usual - that is okay! It’s summer! They have worked and done their best throughout the year, and now they have downtime- lots of it.

Many families start by adding one hour of additional screen time per day. This progression helps gauge their dependency and responsibility with it. The beginning of summer will be the heaviest of use. The first few weeks are full of junk and later balance out.

2. HAVE A SYSTEM TO MONITOR.

Depending on parents’ work hours, students may find themselves home alone for several hours of the day. Use a program that assists in time limits and web filtering to manage screen time over the summer.

They are a great benefit to the whole family. If you are interested in more information, check out our blog post where we reviewed programs (https://ministrytoparents.com/how-do-i-select-a-technology-monitoring-service/).

3. ENCOURAGE COMMUNITY.

Screen time can be a solo activity, but it doesn’t have to be. Encourage your student to use screen time to connect with others, not just binge watch on the sofa.

Part of the summer experience is navigating your student and their friendships! Summer can put time and space between friends, but parents can cultivate friendships and community for their kids if they find unique ways to bring them together.

4. INVEST IN EDUCATION.

Another creative idea is to require a set amount of educational screen time. Whether it’s reading on a Kindle or Nook or working on essays - not all time has to be “wasted.”

When you reward informative with play screen time you guide what they view first. This decision leads to a win-win for both parties.

5. SET SCREEN DAYS.

If your family travels a good bit on vacations or camps, perhaps set a schedule such as Monday/Wednesday/Friday are screen days and Tuesday/Thursday are screen-free. They can use those days to do something with someone or them- selves.

This idea may not work for all families but putting away devices on purpose for an extended time will help during the school year. Setting a schedule also offers your student structure.

6. OUTDOORS = SCREEN TIME

If your student struggles to go outdoors or is turning into a couch potato, create incentives. Require that your student “earn” screen time by being active outdoors and away from screens.

One example is to spend two hours outside playing basketball to earn one hour of screen time. This option gives your student motivation to be active and fill their schedule with variety as well as time off screens.

7. HAVE A CONVERSATION ABOUT EXPECTATIONS.

As parents, we can jump in and do things for our family without fully explaining or considering all members. When we do, we invite division and resentment rather than order and structure.

When it comes to screens and the hours of time students use them, communication is essential! In my experience, the more you talk and discuss thoughts and feelings for why you do something the better they go along with it.

You may not verbally share screen time expectations with your student as of now but today would be a good time to start. Use summer and the new schedule as an excuse to have these conversations and set boundaries.

Communication is one of the most paramount tools you have as a parent!

Summertime brings a break in the school schedule granting students a considerable amount of screen time. Parents can find these moments challenging to manage. However, adopt a few of the concepts mentioned above, lean into these coming months with positivity, and you will exchange a burden for an opportunity.

If you already have set boundaries with your student then tweak them as needed. For those moving into the summer with a blank slate, this occasion could be the start of a new normal and a new way for the use of screens in the home.

As always, pray about these decisions before you make them and don’t be afraid to be transparent with your student before you introduce the guidelines.

PARENTING THROUGH PUBERTY

Written by Elisabeth Lee

Dear teenager,

What is happening!?!

Love, Mom

Imagine your student sitting on a trampoline one lovely day in spring. They spread out their Legos to build houses and cars. All of a sudden, ten of the neighborhood kids run over and climb on. They jump and jump and jump around her sending the Legos flying every which way. The disruption causes chaos for her and you.

This moment is what puberty can feel like when it visits your student because the onset of puberty marks the fastest body growth ever outside of birth to two years old.

Every day a teenager wakes up with a surge of emotions and the chaos they feel inside is felt by everyone living under your roof. The years to follow can become tumultuous for the entire family, but your teenager’s emotional turmoil does not have to set the emotional climate for the home.

The teenager needs the freedom to wade in the emotional pool to learn how to handle them well. But, believe it or not, this opportunity is an invitation for parents to engage in a healthy relationship.

Here are five ways to create a steady and stable home throughout the teenage years.

1. DEFINE A PLAN

If you parent with a spouse, define a parenting plan together. Multiple personalities are at play, so find a plan that works best for your family dynamic. Discuss future responses to specific emotions such as fear, sadness, joy, shame, anger, etc.

You will be surprised at how your brain will apply them in the heat of the moment. A simple, general action step goes a long way.

A few examples:

• When our daughter rages at the parent, the parent will calmly say, “I want to keep speaking with you, but if the yelling continues, I need to step away, but I will return.”

Why: if the parent yells at the emotionally unstable teenager, the parent becomes the object of the teenager’s wrath instead of the problem itself. We want our daughter to focus on the issue at hand to grow.

Help: If I am unable to speak calmly, I will tap out with my spouse.

• We will speak with our son this week about how he may or may not feel unexpectedly sad at times. We will tell him this experience is developmentally appropriate and encourage him to find an outlet to express sadness healthily.

Why: with open lines of conversation, we have the opportunity to spot depression or apathy sooner, and he needs productive outlets to release emotions no questions asked.

2. EMPATHY

Empathy for your teenager opens their heart to hear what you have to say. Shame, guilt, anger, or control triggers the heart to close blocking the ability to listen.

To find empathy, reflect on your teenage years.

What did you think or feel at their age?

What did you wish your parents understood?

Share with them a memory, feeling, or thought you had at their age.

Have empathy for yourself and grant kindness when you make a mistake. Admit and apologize when the time is right. A parent’s humility goes a long way with a teenager.

3. COMMUNICATION

Your teenager knows something is up with their body. They feel crazy on the inside and out with all the changes emotionally, physically and mentally. If you give them a sneak peek into adolescent development, they can be kind to themselves, understand what is happening, and be more likely to ask for help.

Rather than create a lengthy, sit down, talk with pamphlets from a pediatrician’s office, work the conversation in as you go about errands or activities: a drive to Sonic after school, a ride home from a friend’s house, walk the dog, play PS4, etc. Try to have side- by-side discussions because talking puberty can be slightly awkward for everyone involved.

4. COMMUNITY

Parenting a teenager can be very lonely. When teenagers experience a rush of emotions, they need the space to decipher the new code. Sometimes their decisions do not align with the parent’s values or morals.

When these moments occur (not if), parents need a safe place to express their thoughts and feelings without feeling judged or corrected. Find a trustworthy, honest friend to share the moments of vulnerability.

You only need one or two friends to “hold space” to eliminate the shame that festers within isolation.

5. DEFINE LIMITS

Take a moment, whether it be on your commute or while cooking dinner, to define what you “are okay with” and “not okay with.”

For example, “I am okay with the actions of my daughter when she asks for space away from the family as long as she does it respectfully in her anger. I am not okay if she hits, slams, or makes personal, derogatory comments in her anger. If she crosses the limit, the natural consequence is...”

Define limits ahead of time and communicate to your teenager often.
A parent’s love is based on the teenager themselves, not on what they do or not do.

When you express your limits, make sure to list the action that causes the consequence. They need to hear you love them no matter what.

Reassure them you are not going anywhere and, at the same time, there are limits in the home that must be respected. They want peace too; they just have an emotional flurry going on inside. Consistent, developmentally appropriate limits bring safety to your teenager.

Emotional outbursts are normal and healthy developments of adolescence, but they are not a free pass to say and do whatever they want whenever they want.

Teenagers need guidance to the emotional firework package puberty laid in their hands.

Find a few moments with yourself and your spouse to reflect on these five ways to create a steady and stable home.

They will remember how their parents’ unconditional support was like a lighthouse amidst their fury of emotional waters.

The emotional labor will be hard work, but a relationship with your teenager is worth it.