End of Summer Newsletter

As a parenting author, I've seen hundreds of parenting books and read countless articles. Often, they are echoing the same principles. I'm not knocking it... I've written numerous articles about the biggies that parents often neglect, like spending more time with your kids. But here are 3 tips you don't typically hear:

1. Wanna be a good dad? Then be a good husband first.

Want your kids to feel safe, loved and valued? Then work on your marriage. We're seeing more research emerging about one of the best predictors of cognitive success being emotional stability of the home environment. Bioengineering expert Dr. John Medina said it like this, "Do you want to know how to get your kid into Harvard? Go home and love your wife."

It's this simple. When our kids are young, they are searching for clues in their home to see if they are safe. "Children look to their parents and the relationship they have with each other to assess whether that's true or not," Medina says.

2. No Rules by 17 1/2

Most people would agree toddlers need a lot of guidance. If your 2-year-old starts heading for the road when a semi-truck is coming... not many dads would say, "Leave him be. He'll learn!" At the opposite end of the spectrum, everyone knows when our teens turn 18, they can legally move out and do whatever they want. The tricky part for parents is that time in between. How much guidance and control do we assert, especially in those teenage years?

The answer is "a segue." Start with heavy guidance and slowly segue towards less control, with a goal of "no rules by 17 1/2." Sure, you could wait until 18... but why? Why not have them totally free while still under the safety of your shadow?

I tried this principle with my oldest daughter, starting with realistic guardrails, then giving more trust over the years, and eventually parenting our 17-year-old like an 18-year-old. She is 18-years-old and on her own now... and it's really no big deal. She's been making decisions for a while now.

3. Real Life Reality Shows

Parents are always looking for teaching moments. When real life hardships appear, don't be scared to talk about what you experienced. If your sister is getting a divorce, ask your teenagers what they think. What can they learn from the situation?

Real life isn't always a huge crisis. Yesterday I was driving down the road and came upon a lady trying to back her boat into a driveway... and it became quickly and painfully obvious she didn't know how to back a trailer. Cars began lining up and honking. I pulled over, walked over to her with a smile and asked, "Would you like some help?" She happily got out of the car and let me take a crack at it. Moments like these are fun to dialogue about with your kids. Don't lecture, just ask questions: "Why do you think people were so upset with her?" "How should people respond when they see someone struggling like that?" "What are ways we can show love to people in stressful situations?" "How could you help someone in need?"

Look for these real life discussion moments, or even watch entertainment together that springboards discussion about real life.

For many families, homework is the number one source of conflict between parents and their kids. When kids won't do their homework or the quality of work is poor, the sparks begin to fly.

I interviewed the acclaimed parenting expert, author and columnist, John Rosemond, about what he believes parents should do regarding the issue of homework, and he outlined his ABC's:

A. All By Myself. Children ought to do their homework in a private, personal area -- not a high-traffic or family area like the kitchen. Insisting on a private area for homework tells your children that homework is their responsibility. As we help our kids move from dependence on us to becoming independent -- a private area allows them to function and complete tasks by themselves.

B. Back Off. Backing off means refusing to give children help with homework unless absolutely necessary. Although this is often difficult for parents, they need to realize that when children say, "I need help," it doesn't actually mean they do. According to Rosemond, when kids ask for help, about 80% of the time they are looking for mom or dad to solve a problem or bail them out of a situation that has frustrated them. When parents jump in to fix or bail out, they confirm for their children that they indeed were unable to solve the problem themselves. Backing off while supporting and encouraging your kids is the way to go. Even if kids fail, they will learn important life lessons.

C. Call It Quits. Rosemond suggests that parents set a time deadline when homework must be completed for the day, whether or not all assignments have been finished. When deadlines are set and kept, kids will begin to learn to manage their time more effectively.

 

These ABC's are nothing more than the approach to homework that most parents used 50 years ago. They might go against some popular thinking today, but they emphasize the development of self-discipline, responsibility, and the resourcefulness kids will need to become self-reliant and functioning adults.

 

Here's a checklist for parents to use in the run-up to the new school year that can help make your home less "back-to-stress" and more "back-to-school."

Academics: Encourage your children to do their best, learn all they can, and do the best they can do. Intervene when they do not, and affirm them when they live up to their academic potential.

Anxiety: It's normal for students to feel stress over the upcoming school year. Make your home a calming, secure environment and reassure kids that their feelings are normal.

Calendar: Create a family calendar helps everyone keep up-to-date on what's going on and to help avoid scheduling conflicts.

Connect: Establish connections with school faculty, administrators, and staff who can help with your questions and provide direction for school-related issues as they arise.

Diet: Establish expectations for a healthy diet for your student. Think through breakfast and lunch preparation responsibilities.

Family Dinners: Set a schedule for regular family dinnertimes during the school year. This will help maintain family connections and allows for staying current with what's going on in each other's lives.

Homework: Establish expectations for your child regarding daily homework. Create a reasonable homework routine that allows for completion of daily assignments.

Physical Activity: Plan now to ensure your child has opportunities for regular, adequate exercise.

Scheduling: Remember the adage, no one can do everything. Help your kids set reasonable activity levels for participation in sports, clubs, and extracurricular activities.

Set a Positive Tone: Start talking positively about the new school year: classes, friends, and activities. Create positive anticipation.

Shopping: Get an early start by taking advantage of back-to-school sales now and to avoid the stress of shopping at the last minute.

Sleep: Adjust bed and wake-up times to create healthy school-year sleep patterns before the first day of school.

Transportation: If traveling by school or public bus, be sure to confirm bus stops and schedules. If carpooling, remember to connect and confirm schedules with the other parents involved.