April Parent Newsletter

As kids hit adolescence, one of the key issues for developing a genuine faith (or in other words, "owning" their faith) is the extent to which they are able to think critically about it. The teenage brain is developing, and adolescence is the typical time when kids who have grown up in church begin to process what they believe, wrestling with tough questions, nagging doubts, and more complex issues of faith.

Rather than repressing doubts and questions, wise parents will embrace and foster this season in a teen's life, creating an atmosphere where critical thinking is encouraged along with providing heavy doses of acceptance and coaching. Parents can express acceptance by sending their adolescent the message that genuine doubting and questioning is a normal, positive aspect of the spiritual growth process. And parents can coach their kids by coming alongside to walk with them as they work through their doubts and questions.

Encouraging and facilitating teenagers to think critically about faith issues may produce a measure of fear and trembling in parents as it means loosening the reigns of control and protection. It means embracing the possibility that their child's faith may not turn out to be a carbon copy of their own. Kids may end up holding different beliefs on issues of faith. They may even move away from the community of faith they have grown up in because they've been allowed to think critically.

But consider the alternative: a disinterested church kid who may intellectually know facts about the Christian faith, but who is unable to authentically connect faith and life. Some of these young adults walk away from church as soon as they are able.

Knowledge about the facts of Christianity alone will not make for a personal, vital, and real faith that equips kids to live out their faith in the real world. Rather, when parents who encourage their kids to think critically; to wrestle with the complex issues of Christianity and provide them with a supportive, encouraging, and safe environment to do so -- will ultimately help them to develop a genuine and enduring "owned" faith that will serve them well throughout their adult years.

As your kids move through childhood into adolescence, one constant remains -- they regard your presence as a sign of caring and connectedness. I like to call this phenomenon "the power of being there."

Now, a funny thing happens to children once they reach the teenage years: They don't seem to want their parents around all that much. Sure, they need to have your presence in their lives. They just don't want to be reminded of that fact.

This comes as anywhere from a mild surprise to a major shock to parents who are watching their fun-loving 12-year-old become a sullen 13-year-old seemingly overnight. So, here are a few helpful ways you can still be a part of your teenager's life without pushing him or her away in the process.

1. Remember that just because a teenager doesn't say, "I love you" as much as they used to doesn't mean he or she don't love his or her parents anymore. They just don't want to say it at school or in front of their peers.

2. Keep in mind that, one-day, when your kids are grown up with families of their own, it's likely you will have a loving friendship with them. Until then, resist the temptation to be one of their peers. Yes, peers are a primary influence right now---and you may want to be a part of your teen's "inner-circle." You definitely need to know who these "friends" are. But you can't be one of them so don't try.

3. Don't forget that your job as a parent is a calling -- so treat your kids like the gifts from God that they are. This will help you on the long, lonely days when it seems like your teenager really doesn't care about you anymore. The fact is, she or he will get over it. Try to remember what it was like to be 13, 14, or 17 and give your child a healthy amount of "space" when appropriate.

4. Never underestimate the "power of being there." Young children who grow up believing and knowing that their parents will always be there for them can face anything. Being there for your kids when they're young gives them the sense that you'll still "be there" for them when they're older -- in their hearts at least -- but not when you are hugging them goodbye in front of the movie theater.